Happy New Year!

Just thought I'd say a big fat happy new year to all my (three) regular readers!

As I rambled on about earlier, I'm not doing resolutions. Oh yes. i'm not doing resolutions so much that i did not buy Heat yeasterday and did not read "102 celebraty diet tips." Really.

I've decided to see 2005 as my year of opportunities.

This means lots of things.

• I will not worry about what i'm doing when I graduate (too soon now for my liking) but rather look forwards to the opportunities that will be open to me then.
• I will seize the chances that i want to take and not let self doubt hold me back, because heck I'm too young to have any regrets.
• I will instead of worrying about what my degree result will be, see my degree as one of many opportunities in life. Loads of people don't get the chance to go to university, I have, and put in this context, not getting a first is not the end of the world.
• and of course, the opportunities that I'll have in the next year to meet new people, make new friends and try new things.

ok, deep, thoughtful moment over.

I'm Watching You.

Yes, really. I've managed to get one of those tracker thingys so now i'll know if anyone comes here or not.

Thinks about world domination.

Resolutions.

My Christmas was awful I'm afraid. I woke up on christmas day with the flu - awful headache and very snotty nose. You have to wade through a mountain of tissues to get to my bed these days. Was thouraghly miserable at not being able to do anything other than lie in bed and watch films while everyone else played games and drank and stuff. Lying in bed did not stop me from eating. I have a remarkable ability to continue to eat mince pies even though I'm feeling sick from eating too many of them.

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and it's almost new year so i'm going to have to make new year resolutions. gah. I'm bad at them. I can't even remember what this year's one was. The year before it was not to drink for the whole of January (in order to detox you understand) and I think that I broke this about two minutes later when my best friend pounced on me holding a huge, freshly poured glass of wine (hoping that everyone else was too drunk to notice).

I've decided therefore that my new year resolutions will not be punishments. Instead of "i will not do this" i'm going to look on it as "in the next year iId like to acheive..." Much more positive.

Hummm. What do i want to have said that i'll have done?

Goes to put huge purple thinking hat on (photo below).

The dead of the night.

Night is a funny thing isn't it?

I mean, to my mind, it's still Tuesday because I have not yet gone to bed. But somehow, we have moved into Wednesday. How odd.

Got some new shoes today. I've actually been very constrained this semester and have only brought two pairs of shoes. I may have acheived my personal best in not buying shoes.

Only because i've got a new obssession. Earrings.

My day of zero achievements.

Today i have made no less than seven lists and have writen 453 words.

• Woke up, had shower, washed hair, got dressed ran around flapping, left house.
• Had a dissertation meeting with my tutor where I mumbled because i've done nothing due to lack of time. Instead provoked an argument with him (seeing as I don't quite agree with his work) which I enjoyed immensly. He gave me two books for my dissertation to read over christmas, then told me not to worry about it over christmas and instead concentrate on my revision. Made a list of things to do on dissertation over chrsitmas.
• Had a "Big Ginger One" from coffee revolution due to sub-zero temperatures. Hot milk with ginger and spices in mmmmmmmm and you get a Green and Blacks chocolate with it. double mmmmmm.
• Sat in the library shifting all my papers around and talking to Jane next to me about how much work we have to do. For about three or so hours.
• Went to union and had a cheese pastry for lunch. Saw George and Sophie but not at the same time. Went to see Mary to make excuses for missing tonight's welfare committe meeting.
• Went back to library and shifted more papers around. Made a list of things to do this week.
• Decided to select some books for xmas reading.
• Leave library with armfuls of books and papers to attended last ever politics lecture. (sob!)
• Sat in lecture making a list of things to take home on thursday.
• Talked to groupwork people, apparently about our groupwork project, but cannot be quite sure that this was the actual content of the discussion.
• Walked back home with Mike and Debbie.
• Turned on computer.
• Had a chat with Dave.
• checked email.
• got some water.
• Brought up word document with essay on it.
• Faints due to overwork. Instead empties out a box.
• checked email.
• write one word
• delete one word.
• give up and make a list of readings to pick up for 381 tommorow.
• watch neighbours
• think about tea. Decide that can't be arsed.
• Stare at computer screen
• write a whole sentence.
• re-arrange file that using for essay.
• write another sentence
• watch eastenders
• check emails
• write a word
• write subheadings
• make a list of books that plan to use in essay.
• realise that this would be a good basis to write a bibiography and therefore do that.
• write some more sentences.
• eat some pringles
• make a list of history articles to photocopy tommorow.
• realise that essay is due in tommorow, panics and writes an entire paragraph about economics.
• Further realises that have never written ANYTHING, EVER about economic history. Or politics. Realise that usually avoid it like the plague. further realises that module actually has word "economy" in it which should have served as a clue.
• checks emails
• writes five words
• makes mug of hot chocolate
• changes subheadings
• writes this list.

Further procrastination.

I'm bloody marvellous at procrastination. I should have a degree in it by now, the amount of work that i put into procrastinating. And yes, it is my favourite and most overused word this month.

Today I have procrastinated by

• going to the gym
• going to the co-op - I went for bread, and spent £8. How does that happen?
• having a much needed converstation with my housemate about how political charitable donations are.
• tidying up my room (it looks like that a bomb has hit it again so was futile attempt at tidness)
• arsing around with a peel off face mask. Very effective for the skin, but most disappointed that it doesn't peel properly, there's nothing to peel and you wash it off. Stupid company for calling it a peel off face mask.
• reading yesterday's and today's paper
• emailing my friends
• reading glamour magazine
• thinking about cooking lunch (no less than going to the kitchen four times) and then realising that i couldn't be arsed.
• lying around on my bed "thinking"

Inbetween doing all that, i've written 496 words of an essay that's supposed to be about british imperial policy in soutehrn africa in the late 1890s, but is so far actually about the structure-agent problem. I mean, it's only due in tommorow, but I've reached essay fatigue. Must plough on, I have cheered myself up by realising that it's my last undergraduate essay, then my housemate pointed out to me that at my current rate of writing things, it'll take me a month to actually write my dissertations, which depressed me.

I really don't know why I moan about it so much. I love my degree! It's just painful at the best of times, i think because i put so much into it, so writing essays, whcih is supposed to be the cumulation of your work just drains me emotionally.

Somone said to me that all the pictures of me on here were good ones. Well, of course - I'm only going to put nice pictures of me up aren't I?! Well, just to prove that i actually look terrible in photos, i put "my cool hat" up. Isn't my hat fab?

Right, i'm going to actually make tea. It's going to be a gourment meal of scrambled egg and cheese on toast. Yum yum.

My cool hat. 

Bloody writing.

Yes, again. I say, writing anything that aren't my random thoughts is impossibly hard to do. Am envisioning future as a struggling, depressed writer. Not pretty.

As you may, or may not know, i am attempting to produce a report. Why it's called this, i have no idea because it's basically an essay. Whcih has been called a report. This means that i'm in a bad mood, looking really grubby (the essay writing jumper has surfaced, my housemates know better than to even look at me when i'm wearing it)and craving chocolate and crisps but i'm too lazy to go to the co-op to get them.

I've only written 342 words and i need to finish it by midnight. 2000 words on private security companies in IRAQ do you know how little material there is on it???? Actually, there's loads. Just that not much of it is useful.

I love reading for my essays. I love thinking about the titles and planning it. I HATE EVERY MOMENT OF WRITING. It's soooooo painful: every word is so contested that it's not suitable and i spend ages and ages writing one sentence (my current rate is about 25 words an hour, which is Not A Good Thing.)

<<>>

Ok, ok, i'm going to get back to it.

Acheivements.

Oh my god. I'm still alive.

When I handed in that essay on Friday, i was a little bit too pleased. I may have ran around the politics department screaming or something silly like that. This is despite the fact that I still have a history essay and a group project of 15,000 words to write, in the, errrr, next week. One will not dwell on the downsides, but the upsides. which is the fact that i have Acheived Something. Which is that I have no more politics essays as an undergraduate to write. Oh yessss. Ok, so there's the small matter of history essays, group projects, exams, dissertations (x2) etc etc, but i'm holding onto this one, small acheivement.

Went out on friday night. Think that it ended up as an ad hoc politics social, there were so many of us there (for the obvious reason that we had all finished our essays). May have drank. Quite possibly even got drunk and staggered back home in the very, very wee hours of the morning.

Oooh, watched Breakfast at Tiffiny's last night. If you haven't watched this, DO!!! It's the one film that i would say is better than the book. I want a highly strung ginger cat called Cat now. And one of those silk eye masks for when I'm sleeping.

Right. I'm going to go and Acheive something else today. A research proposal. I can do this. I can do that!

Holidays... oh I wish!

Instead of doing my essay i have been looking up cheap holidays. I found out my exam timetable today: the bad news is that i have my exams spread over four days. Crap. The excellent, very good news is that i have narly two weeks between finishing my exams and semester two starting.

I have decided that in order to reinplensh myself for my dissertations (and if i don't get out of sheffield then i'll spend that precious time working on them) I Need A Holiday.

So, a week. In Madrid, Paris, Nice or Majorca - i can fly to all those places for less than £50 from Liverpool.

Started to get excited.

Then realised that i've got no-one to go with me!

Essay progress: shit. Really. am up to 2709 words. and have created some very experimental subheadings. Really quite orignal. So i keep telling myself. One is "A Failing Levathan?" in a section which WILL BE about when collapsed states are unable to provide security so men end up killing each other out of fear.

See. i know what i want to write. All i have to do is bloody write it instead of daydreaming about holidays. I think that Nice would be rather nice. is it hot there in january? I NEED SOME SUN! It's been grey for about forever now.